In what media insiders are calling “the boldest hostile act of kindness in television history,” Elon Musk has reportedly purchased ABC for a cool $10 billion, then promptly canceled The View before the ink on the contract was even dry.
According to witnesses inside ABC’s headquarters, the deal was signed at 9:02 a.m. Tuesday. By 9:07 a.m., the network’s beloved daytime talk show had vanished from the schedule — replaced by a test pattern featuring a dancing Dogecoin.
“They Were Making Too Much Noise”
When asked what motivated the sudden purchase, Musk gave a simple answer at a press conference held from his Tesla Cyberplane:
“I was trying to watch a rocket launch, but The View came on by accident. I lasted 40 seconds. Something had to be done.”
The billionaire entrepreneur, known for casually buying social media platforms and launching cars into orbit, said he considered simply tweeting about the show’s “chaotic energy,” but ultimately concluded that “it would be cheaper to just buy the network and delete it.”
Musk described his decision as “a humanitarian gesture for the American public,” adding, “Some people send food to poor countries. I cancel talk shows.”
ABC Executives Stunned — and Slightly Relieved
Sources inside ABC say the sale happened so fast that even Disney, which previously owned the network, didn’t fully grasp what was going on until Musk started moving into their Burbank office.
“Disney got a text from Elon saying, ‘Hey, I’m your new landlord,’” said one insider. “They thought it was a joke until he showed up with a flamethrower and a whiteboard labeled ‘Phase 2.’”
Within hours, Musk had replaced ABC’s mission statement with one simple line:
“Less talk. More rockets.”
Several producers were reportedly relieved by the cancellation of The View, describing the daily tapings as “an endurance sport.” One anonymous staff member said, “Honestly, I’m just happy I don’t have to referee another argument about Taylor Swift and tax policy.”
The View’s Sudden Exit
Musk’s first executive order was carried out in spectacular fashion. Viewers tuning in for The View’s regular broadcast were met with an on-screen announcement reading:
“This program has been permanently launched into orbit. Thank you for your patience.”
Moments later, Musk posted a photo on X of a Tesla Roadster with The View logo strapped to its side, floating in space. The caption read, “Farewell, ladies. You were too loud for Earth.”
The post racked up over 50 million likes within 24 hours.
Former Hosts React
Former co-hosts of The View reportedly learned of the cancellation at the same time as everyone else — through memes.
One unnamed host took to social media to denounce the move as “an attack on women, dialogue, and daytime television.” Musk replied within minutes:
“Correction: it’s an upgrade to human civilization.”
Another former host told reporters, “We were planning a special episode about Elon’s social responsibility. Now I guess that segment writes itself.”
Meanwhile, rumors suggest that one panelist is already in talks with Netflix to star in a new documentary titled Silenced: How I Survived Elon Musk’s Free Speech.
The New ABC: “All Broadcast Controlled”
Musk’s plans for ABC’s programming slate have already begun to leak online — and they are, in true Musk fashion, ambitious, chaotic, and completely unhinged.
Tentative new shows include:
“Good Morning, Mars!” — A space-age morning show filmed entirely in a Tesla factory with zero gravity effects.
“Who Wants to Be Verified?” — A game show where contestants compete for blue checkmarks instead of money.
“Dancing With the Bots” — An AI-powered competition judged by humanoid robots and Grimes.
“The Real Housewives of Starbase, Texas.”
When asked whether he plans to appear on any of these shows, Musk responded, “Only if I can host all of them simultaneously through holographic projection.”
Wall Street Reacts
Stock analysts were divided on the deal. One investor called it “a brilliant vertical integration of chaos.” Another sighed, “At this point, Elon could buy gravity and people would cheer.”
Tesla shares jumped 4% after the announcement, while Disney stock briefly plummeted — until fans realized Musk had not purchased Marvel, Pixar, or Disneyland. “Just ABC,” clarified Musk on X. “Though I might buy ESPN next to make football more efficient.”
Hollywood in Panic Mode
Within hours of the cancellation, rival networks scrambled to adapt. CBS executives met to discuss whether The Talk might be next. NBC quickly issued a press release stating, “We at NBC fully support Elon Musk’s right to silence whoever he wants — as long as he doesn’t buy us.”
Meanwhile, streaming platforms like Netflix and Hulu began developing counter-programming, including a new reality show reportedly titled The View: Unplugged, featuring cardboard cutouts of the former hosts arguing in an empty studio.
Musk’s Grand Vision
In his own words, Musk says his ultimate goal is to “restore balance to television.”
“There’s too much outrage, too much talking, not enough rocket fuel,” he explained. “People don’t want to hear six people screaming about inflation. They want to see a car explode on the moon.”
To prove his point, Musk teased the upcoming launch of Project VisionX — a new streaming platform described as “Netflix meets NASA, but without all the feelings.”
He claims it will feature “100% less yelling and 300% more engineering.”
Reactions from the Public
Public response has been predictably polarized. Fans of The View called the move misogynistic and egotistical, while Musk’s supporters hailed it as the “greatest public service since the invention of Wi-Fi.”
A viral meme circulating online shows Musk in a superhero costume labeled “The De-Talker,” with the caption:
“He bought the network so we didn’t have to hear them anymore.”
Meanwhile, small businesses selling “RIP THE VIEW 1997-2025” T-shirts have reported record sales.
Life After The View
Asked what he plans to do with the show’s studio space, Musk said he’s converting it into “a zero-gravity think tank” where engineers, comedians, and dogs with Twitter accounts can brainstorm future projects.
When pressed about whether The View might ever return, Musk smiled.
“If it does, it’ll be hosted by AI robots who listen before they talk. So, no — probably not.”
A Historic Moment for Television
Love him or hate him, Elon Musk has once again reshaped an industry just by getting bored and writing a check.
As one entertainment critic put it, “We used to wonder what Elon would do if he ever ran out of planets to colonize. Now we know — he’s colonizing cable TV.”
Whether this marks the dawn of a new media empire or simply another bizarre entry in the billionaire’s ongoing social experiment, one thing is certain: the television landscape will never be the same.
And as millions of Americans sit down tomorrow morning and find The View missing from their screens, Elon Musk will be somewhere out there, sipping coffee, smiling, and whispering to himself:
“You’re welcome, Earth.”
Erika Kirk and Megyn Kelly’s Charlie Kirk Show Debut Breaks Records With 1 Billion Views
ByflashpointDecember 21, 2025
If you thought Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour was the cultural event of the century, think again. The debut of The Charlie Kirk Show on ABC has left even the most hardened media analysts in disbelief, as its first episode — hosted by Erika Kirk and Megyn Kelly — smashed through one billion views in less than a week.
According to ABC’s press release, “This is the single most-watched event in human history, beating the moon landing, the Super Bowl, and that one time Will Smith slapped Chris Rock.”
The premiere episode struck an unusual balance: part heartfelt memorial, part political rally, and part daytime talk show. Erika Kirk opened the program by telling viewers: “Charlie dreamed of this moment — though I’m not sure he dreamed it would be hosted by me and Megyn Kelly while Kid Rock played guitar in the background.”
Megyn Kelly then jumped in with her trademark fire: “The hens of The View are officially extinct. Welcome to television’s new golden age.”
The show featured interviews with Donald Trump (who called the episode “bigger than Titanic and Home Alone 2 combined”), Tucker Carlson (reading scripture while glaring), and Elon Musk, who promised a future Tesla update where drivers could “only listen to Charlie Kirk podcasts until freedom is restored.”
ABC announced viewership numbers so staggering that statisticians at Nielsen reportedly fainted.
1,047,322,118 views across platforms in five days. 11 million in-person attendees claimed to have “spiritually” been at the live taping, even though the studio only seated 400.
International audiences tuned in as well: reports indicate North Korean state TV pirated the episode, replacing Erika Kirk’s monologue with Kim Jong-un’s speeches but keeping Megyn Kelly’s wardrobe intact.
One ABC executive, speaking anonymously, admitted: “We didn’t know numbers this big even existed outside of the Pentagon’s budget.”
Just like Taylor Swift’s concerts, the Charlie Kirk Show quickly became a merchandising empire. “Episode One Billion” hoodies, emblazoned with Charlie’s silhouette and a bald eagle.
Coffee mugs reading: “One Episode, One Nation.” An exclusive “Patriot+ Streaming” subscription, giving fans 24/7 access to Erika Kirk whispering motivational quotes over footage of sunsets.
Scalpers flipped the hoodies online for $1,200, while Amazon briefly crashed after listing “Charlie Kirk memorial throw blankets.”
Conservative pundits declared the show “the new cornerstone of Western civilization.” Ben Shapiro gushed on his podcast: “This makes Seinfeld look like a failed college improv troupe.”
Liberals, however, weren’t impressed. MSNBC complained that the show “weaponizes grief for ratings,” while Rolling Stone accused ABC of “turning funerals into theme parks.”
But the backlash only amplified the buzz. #1BillionPatriots trended on X for 48 hours straight, with fans flooding comment sections with messages like: “The left is just jealous they don’t have a show that can summon both Tucker Carlson AND Kid Rock in the same segment.”
Around the world, leaders scrambled to react. In the UK, King Charles issued a polite statement: “Congratulations, though I confess I do not fully understand what a Charlie Kirk is.”
In Canada, Justin Trudeau announced his own talk show, “True North with Trudeau,” which pulled in 73 viewers on its debut night (72 of them his staffers).
In Russia, Vladimir Putin offered to appear on a future episode, claiming: “Charlie Kirk was strong man. Better than Swift.”
Meanwhile, the Vatican was reportedly considering canonization proceedings, after Pope Francis allegedly described the show as “miraculous.” The success of the Charlie Kirk Show sent shockwaves across rival networks.
NBC executives considered rebranding Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show as “Patriot Karaoke with Kid Rock.” CNN scrambled to boost ratings by broadcasting a 12-hour live feed of Anderson Cooper staring sadly into the camera. Netflix greenlit a documentary tentatively titled “Charlie Kirk: From Quad Debates to Immortal Icon.”
One panicked Disney+ executive reportedly muttered: “First Marvel collapses, now this? We might as well start producing patriotic funerals.”
After the monumental debut, ABC immediately renewed the Charlie Kirk Show for ten more seasons, with plans to expand globally. Future episodes will reportedly feature:
Elon Musk unveiling a “Charlie Kirk hologram” powered by AI. Tulsi Gabbard leading a yoga segment titled “Stretching for Freedom.”
Marco Rubio reading the Declaration of Independence aloud in Spanish and English.
Rumors also swirl that Taylor Swift has been invited to perform a tribute ballad. Negotiations are ongoing, but insiders say she’s demanding her own merch table and a temporary suspension of the “No Democrats” rule.
As the first episode wrapped, Erika Kirk looked into the camera, her voice trembling with emotion:
“Charlie always said he wanted to change the world. Tonight, he did. A billion people can’t be wrong.”
Megyn Kelly leaned forward, smirked, and added: “This is just the beginning. Get ready — because this show isn’t just breaking records, it’s breaking history.”
Fireworks erupted outside the studio. Confetti rained down inside. Across America, televisions glowed as fans cheered, and somewhere, in a quiet corner of Los Angeles, executives at The View clutched their pearls in horror.
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.